Hope and Megan's Home Page

Shipped on 07/22/08.

From director Robert Altman comes this quirky piece of fiction based on the real-life radio program of the same name, with a wry screenplay penned by the show's host, Garrison Keillor. Supported by a high-powered cast that includes Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Lindsay Lohan, John C. Reilly, Tommy Lee Jones and Kevin Kline, Keillor also stars in this behind-the-scenes look at the mayhem surrounding the folksy program's final broadcast.

• 23:15 Kathy G. and Anderson C. = Super Weird. Turning back to Best Year Ever #
• 09:47 driving to ikea. any ohioans need anything? #

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for so many people i know, 2008 has been teh suck. seriously, some major wires got crossed in happy universe land. there have been dead babies. many, not just ours. some friends have dealt with a parent dying. some have dealt with ongoing illnesses in parents and grandparents. several of us have lost dear animals. for me personally, some happy family moments of new babies have been marred by the lack of our baby to join them. many of my friends have dealt with sadness and depression this past year.

i am thankful for several points of hope that have transpired since january '08.

but overall, i am happy to see this year go.

may 2009 bring clarity and kindness to us all.

• 13:48 18 DPO beta 637, progesterone is something like 20.7 #
• 14:02 @swillard It's good news (great, really), but we do have to wait for the 48 hour measurement to see if it is doubling. #
• 09:00 @nycphoenix Yowza! #
• 09:05 @blondiekate I think the coming of this new year will be cathartic for many of us. 2008 you can kiss it. #
• 09:05 Someone put "Mango Mardarin" soap from B&BW in the work bathroom. It smells so good I want to drink it. #
• 09:57 Happy Birthday Kate and Eric and Karen!!! #

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okay, good news from the RE. hope had a blood draw yesterday, which was 18DPO (or 4w4d, but i'm not quite ready to go there yet). nurse from the RE's called with the results: 637!

i know this still doesn't mean anything solid--we still have to see that number double, and then if it does, we need to see something growing, and then we need to see something continue to grow for the next long while. we're only a few steps into the woods, and they are quite dense and who knows when we'll be close to seeing the other side. or if we'll make it to the other side.

but this is the best beta number we've ever had, so i am holding on it for now. right now, at this moment, things look good.

tomorrow will be the next draw to see if the number is doubling, but we won't get results until friday.

thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. thankyouthankyouthankyou.

• 13:39 home from work. Megan got Ringo in at the vet today and we didn't want to drag Q along. #
• 14:34 is waiting to have blood drawn. q sleeping. vet appt at 430. #
• 17:44 just got home from the vet. Ringo will most likely be OK. Vet took blood for a CBC, but seemed to think he was fine. So relieved! #
• 17:48 @swillard Thanks. We'll be thinking about Sara tomorrow. Does she go early in the morning? #

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• 08:58 bad night - kid wouldn't ZZZ, cat poss poisoned so I had to check him all night, sore throat, Meg sad...& now I have to be productive @ work #

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i think many of the folks who may be reading here also read hopemcg and already saw her post regarding potentially good news. 

but if you haven't seen hope's post and didn't just click on it, we got a + HPT.  on the solstice.  the day after some good friends experienced the birth of their second baby. 

for one week we've been living with this tentative news.  we did tell my mom, dad, brother and SIL (and SIL's mother, long story) when we were in my hometown over the holiday.  insanely early, but 1.) i figured, wtf?  none of them received any news about our last two pregnancies until they were over (and then, it was only my mom i told) and 2.) the only other time we announced so early to anyone outside of online friends and our donor and his DP was the pregnancy that became quinn.  and i'd really like to get back as much as that mojo as possible.  they were surprised, i think, and my mom said several times that she'd keep quiet so she doesn't jinx anything.

the pee sticks are getting darker and tomorrow we'll probably have beta #1 done (it will be 18DPO), but not until late in the day, so no results until tuesday.  i'm walking some fine line between trying to pretend like none of this is going on so that if it goes away it may not drive me to the breaking point and trying to quell nervous excitement that on this 4th attempt, it may really work.

once again i am asking for your prayers and positive thoughts or meditations.  we seriously need all the help we can get.

• 20:04 Got an insti-line today! (you know, the kind where the test line starts before the control is even wet) Feeling *slightly* less neurotic. #

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• 18:13 Home from Canton, laundry started, kid "eating" dinner, cat in my lap. *sigh* #

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• 16:33 arrived safely in canton. #

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• 13:07 Obama: Stand Up for Gay Americans, Say No to Rick Warren www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/107914679 #

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We did get another positive pregnancy test. I'm not really sure how to react. When I got pregnant late last year, I was elated. When I get pregnant in the Spring, I was cautiously optimistic. When I got pregnant a couple of months ago, I tried out being brazen. I couldn't possibly have 3 dead babies in a year, could I? Joke's on me.

Since then I've been completely crushed. Non-functional. Might have killed myself except Megan and Quinn need the money that I make. Honestly Quinn, felt food and the next episode of Chuck are the only things that have kept me going. Sometimes Megan, but most of the time I just blame her for making me go through this over and over and over.

I would have given up already, that's for sure. Yes, I want a baby, but maybe not enough to keep torturing myself. Megan has been in charge of everything. I kept referring to myself as her surrogate because I couldn't let me self get emotionally involved, but I should have known I was kidding myself.

Over the weekend we went to Christmas for Megan's Mom's side of the family. There were two babies there. Both had due dates right around when France/is' (Littlest Eggplant) would have been born. They were crawling and adorable. It was so torturous to be there. There was even a video of the past year with delivery photos and stuff. It was really good, but when the background music switched to Green Day's "Good Riddance", I had to escape to the bathroom. Everyone kept talking about all the babies, so many babies, but NOBODY mentioned the fact that there were three dead babies that were NOT at the party. I know people don't know what to say, but a hug and an "I'm sorry" would have done so much.

Then we came home and tested and got a positive. Ok, 2 microscopically faint lines and a "Not pregnant" on the digital, which we all know adds up to a positive. I feel limboish. I want betas because I want to know, but I don't want betas because they cause me so much stress and I just want to be zen about things. I'm thinking I will wait until after I've missed my period. That would be like Saturday-ish and maybe call the RE on Monday. They will want to do betas and progesterone. At that point, I think I might be able to deal a little better. Maybe.

*deep breath*

• 06:16 diagnosed, bought the part and repaired the furnace yesterday. It hasn't had a problem since and we stayed warm all night! Yay me! #
• 08:10 @swillard Technically I've *never* seen it since I passed out during it the last time. Name the time! #

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• 19:13 made it home safely #
• 19:51 Solstice Surprise. Two Lines. Light a candle for us. #
• 09:56 going to leave work early to fix the furnace. #

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• 06:53 Happy Solstice everyone!!! #

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• 12:24 met Megan and Quinn for lunch. What a treat! #
• 12:33 @emmagrl96 oh gosh! where? #
• 12:34 @saderman Happeeeeee Birthdaaaaaaa Malka! #
• 13:53 @emmagrl96 Maybe they can use the super glue or steri strips? Poor sweetie. :( #
• 13:55 I have a touch of a migraine, but it's a good day to have one per FF... but a bad one b/c I've got a veggie plate and bagel to sew tonight. #

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• 08:39 @darthrami Thanks, I needed that. #
• 08:41 Anybody know if the lego display is still up at the statehouse or was it just the day of the tree lighting? #

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• 10:46 two bagels and a baked potato away from being caught up on our sewing! Used the $$ for a dollhouse for Quinn. Thank you felt food buyers! #

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in some LJ post 45647823 years ago i wrote about the profundity of changing the water filter every 2 months or so. no, really. when it's time to switch out the filter, i often think about where i was in life when i put in that last one, and i wonder what my life will look like when it's time for yet another filter.

so, taking stock, 2 months ago:
*we were working on quinn's doctor costume for halloween
*it hadn't snowed and was still pretty warm out
*carter, the neighbor's cat who was sent outside to live, was still living outside, but in our yard/on our stoop (he has moved inside our house now....he needs a forever home....)
*hope hated her job less, i think
*quinn was not potty trained (she's 90% there now...still having some trouble with accidents)
*we had a positive pregnancy test, but within a week it would become negative

last night i realized that had the ectopic not been an ectopic, that we'd be within 8 weeks of a due date, and probably within 5-6 weeks of a birth date. it was a sobering moment.

the first cycle following october's chemical pregnancy was a no-go. today is 1 day past ovulation for this cycle. which means, yes, that right around all of the winter celebrations is when we'll either get some potentially really, really good news, or...well, shitty news. gotta love that. so i am asking for quiet and positive thoughts and/or prayers that maybe this time things will work out. it is the twelfth month of the year, and the twelfth cycle of trying to have baby #2. this process is so draining--hoping each month, going through the disappointment and bittnerness, and then the necessary moving on.

it's probably clear what i hope for two months from today. if it can't be my first wish, then i hope for a variation on the theme, and for a slightly-less-further-along pregnant wife.